dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

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I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.


ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME: Or you’ll what?


i made the mistake of watching a single zit popping video on youtube and now my recommendations screen is trying to make me barf


Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.


Grandpa: “My joints are stiff.”

Me: “Don’t roll them so tight.”


When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.


*pulls out earbud*
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way


Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT


“You have a very large package downstairs.”

I really need to work on how I word things to the men around this office.