@MattTheBrand

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

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@2tickytacky

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

@TeaAndCopy

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

@fart

i made the mistake of watching a single zit popping video on youtube and now my recommendations screen is trying to make me barf

@Deurb1

Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.

@BradBroaddus

Grandpa: “My joints are stiff.”

Me: “Don’t roll them so tight.”

@OctopusCaveman

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

@reTICKulous

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

@Ygrene

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

@P0tterhead_394

“You have a very large package downstairs.”

I really need to work on how I word things to the men around this office.