“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
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I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however