dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
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My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
his wife is probably gonna see that
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.