dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
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her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.