Opens a sperm bank that only accepts redheaded donors….
The Ginger Bred House.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
TREE: cool just checkin
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The main problem with gay marriage is when two men hold the knife to cut the cake they will be too strong and cut through the plate & table.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Her: Go deeper!
Me: *panics and start quoting Hemingway*
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.