DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool


TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

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Opens a sperm bank that only accepts redheaded donors….

The Ginger Bred House.


The main problem with gay marriage is when two men hold the knife to cut the cake they will be too strong and cut through the plate & table.


Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.


You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that


no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat


Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.


It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.


[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”


7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.