DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
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[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I’m literally crying
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Tier 3 meme
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”