“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
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I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I can’t deal with men any longer
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no