To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
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i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife