When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
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My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Netflix and awkward silence?
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Not today.. 😂
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.