[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
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Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??