Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
You Might Also Like
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Breaking news:
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Finished stitching this today 😇
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.