Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
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My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?