@KeetPotato

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

- @KeetPotato

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@iGreenMonk

My dog just fell off the bed.

I’m glad I’m not the only one drunk around here.

@captainkalvis

me: *pulling the covers up* five more minutes

nurse: sir if we don’t use the defibrillator now your heart will stop for good

@liv_thatsme

I’d tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she’s been so quiet that I don’t want to disturb her.

@UnFitz

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

@BangMyBongo

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

@UncleDuke1969

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

@djdarrellripley

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!