*bursts into bank
EVERYONE DOWN ON THE GROUND
*everyone lies down
EVERYONE CLOSE THEIR EYES
*everyone closes their eyes
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
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I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
*gets to heaven*
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I just learned today that Cardi B’s real name is belcalis almanzar. I said that shit out loud and my furniture started floating
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Cause of death: iPhone 10 Plus fell on his head.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*