@KeetPotato

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

You Might Also Like

@OhHiAlyPie

*bursts into bank
EVERYONE DOWN ON THE GROUND
*everyone lies down
EVERYONE CLOSE THEIR EYES
*everyone closes their eyes
EVERYONE NAP

@okimstillhungry

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

@Ygrene

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

@HumanPog

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

@SvnSxty

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

@thomaskeamon

I just learned today that Cardi B’s real name is belcalis almanzar. I said that shit out loud and my furniture started floating

@AngryRaccoon2

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

@PinkCamoTO

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.