dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
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Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Most fashion shows these days…
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.