I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
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I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies