If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
– Dad, why don’t we visit Greece to see pyramids?
– Son, why don’t we visit school to see your geography teacher?
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn’t have a job.
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes