“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
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If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.