“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
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[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Isn’t
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.