“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
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#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
This meal prepping shit is easy
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee