@ericsshadow

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

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@envydatropic

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

@Playing_Dad

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

@murrman5

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

@4SLars

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

@TallDarkHandsy

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

@BoogTweets

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

@stephanieck72

All dogs are therapy dogs. The majority of them are just freelancing.