“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
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Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
These work great until they don’t.
I want what they have
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.