@Sickayduh

DAD: You know, no one in this city is allowed to be buried in that cemetery
ME: Wtf why not?
DAD: Because *locking eyes* they’re still alive

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@HatfieldAnne

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

@petedavidson

Professor Snape caught Harry in the hall after dark and out of NOWHERE Lupin pops out in the hallway to save him. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT

@Contwixt

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

@Reba_aa

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

@mom_ontherocks

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

@pixelatedboat

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

@ArfMeasures

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home