Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
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same energy
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Life cycle of cat
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”