DAD: You know, no one in this city is allowed to be buried in that cemetery
ME: Wtf why not?
DAD: Because *locking eyes* they’re still alive

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When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.


Professor Snape caught Harry in the hall after dark and out of NOWHERE Lupin pops out in the hallway to save him. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT


If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.


I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”


My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.


Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?


Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home