DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
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Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
☺️
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!