Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

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When Moses came down with the Commandments, It was the greatest Retweet in History.


My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it


“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife


Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….


I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.


You know it’s not believable when six people rob a bank in a movie if you’ve ever tried to organize a dinner for six people.


This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I’m pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.


I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.


*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*