@Pro_Jones_

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

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@daplusk

It’s unfair that throwing rice at couples is limited to weddings only

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

@kumailn

The director of “A Girl in the River” went to high school with me in Karachi! She won an Oscar! This is not gonna help w my parents. #Oscars

@StellaRtwot

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

@chuuew

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

@PinkCamoTO

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

@sarcasticmommy4

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

@ParrtyCat

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

@MNateShyamalan

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”