It’s unfair that throwing rice at couples is limited to weddings only
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
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Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
The director of “A Girl in the River” went to high school with me in Karachi! She won an Oscar! This is not gonna help w my parents. #Oscars
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Siri: Retweet me.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”