Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
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Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
My husband still has my last name as “Tinder” in his phone so don’t tell me romance is dead.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.