DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
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My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Growing up was a huge mistake
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?