@TheToddWilliams

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

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@Shock_Monster

Hush little baby,
Don’t say a word.
Daddy’s gonna buy you a bunch of crap so he doesn’t have to hear your incessant whining ya spoiled brat.

@yupthatpaul

the four elements are:

• earth
• fire
• air
• water
• surprise

@Bownuggets

Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

@SteveSuckington

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

@mrjohndarby

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

@Darchstar007

Wife: every time we argue, you think you’re right. Me: yes, because if I thought you were right, I wouldn’t be arguing…

@Token_Geezer

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

@simoncholland

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.