dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
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When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*