Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
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Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Just a phase…
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
When your man makes a valid point
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!