I always keep a hammer in my pocket in case someone asks me to help them fix something so I can immediately break my leg.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
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I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I hate it when I have lots of visitors but only enough chloroform for one and have to use it on myself.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I’m confused about plants
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet