Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
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BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot