@GlennyRodge

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

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@AGreaterMonster

I always keep a hammer in my pocket in case someone asks me to help them fix something so I can immediately break my leg.

@hashtag_stacks

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

@KatHeubeck

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

@kjoy1019

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

@Underchilde

I hate it when I have lots of visitors but only enough chloroform for one and have to use it on myself.

@Birdhumms

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

@OakHill_

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

@darksidedeb

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.