Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

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When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.


Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.


[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000


Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )


I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.


You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle


I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.


The lord giveth, and the lord slappeth that shit right out of your hands.


WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.


In this era of excessive exclamation point use, punctuating a text with a period is the quickest and simplest way to cause concern.