Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

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*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”


An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.


i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind


I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.


My man always plays better on the backside than the front…

Golf, you pervs


My wife once told me ” Mike you’re the only man who ever gave me multiple orgasms”, which pissed me off because my names not Mike


Anything u say can & will be used against u, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And, we never forget. Anything. Ever.