“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
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“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.