@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy, do you like princesses?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Well usually they have a nice set of ti-”

Wife: “Shut it.”

“I WILL NOT LIE TO MY SON.”

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@Home_Halfway

“Please stop being mean” – Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle

@KalvinMacleod

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

@ComedicBust

I fantasize about my enemies spending their weekends at kid’s birthday parties.

@Rica_Bee

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

@CaucasianJames

starting a podcast where i don’t speak. it’s just 48 minutes of complete silence. u put it on whenever u want a break from listening to music or other podcasts

@FreshClemonade

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

@canadasandra

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

@HousewifeOfHell

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

@XOperfectmessXO

Nothing screams passive agressive quite like letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the kids play loudly outside the bedroom door

@rablivingstone

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.