@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy, do you like princesses?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Well usually they have a nice set of ti-”

Wife: “Shut it.”

“I WILL NOT LIE TO MY SON.”

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@CAshmanActor

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

@iAmDelFreaky

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

@Darlainky

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

@awkwardwit

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

@DrakeGatsby

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

@skankymunter

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

@truegritrumble

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

@Eightinchgoat

My son asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if he wasn’t 20 … And in college.