interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
“Daddy, do you like princesses?”
“Well usually they have a nice set of ti-”
Wife: “Shut it.”
“I WILL NOT LIE TO MY SON.”
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I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
My son asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if he wasn’t 20 … And in college.