“Daddy, do you like princesses?”



“Well usually they have a nice set of ti-”

Wife: “Shut it.”


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“Please stop being mean” – Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle


[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing


I fantasize about my enemies spending their weekends at kid’s birthday parties.


me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that


starting a podcast where i don’t speak. it’s just 48 minutes of complete silence. u put it on whenever u want a break from listening to music or other podcasts


Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”


When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.


Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?


Nothing screams passive agressive quite like letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the kids play loudly outside the bedroom door


If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.