Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
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How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I’m not stressed
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks