“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
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I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here