Daddy, how’d you get that scar?

*flashback to me tripping & falling while running from the police after a night of drunken debauchery*


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You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.


CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.


my girl 7’9 we got in a fight last night she put my car keys in a birds nest in a tree i cant reach them please help me


[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs


My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.


If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”


Age 21: drunkenly sleep in a bathtub and get up at 7am for class just fine.

Age 37: I think these sheets hurt my back…


We desperately need something to unite humanity. No, not love or compassion. I’m talking about a full scale alien attack.


The moderator needs a spray bottle. Each time someone interrupts, they could just be like: “NO! BAD PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE! BAD!! *spray*