I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
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I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….