“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
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wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Bartenders are just boneless bars
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever