@thedadvocate01

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

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@MyNameIsArchaic

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

@TheBoydP

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

@huntigula

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

@JohnLyonTweets

[dog trial]
D.A.: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: *wags tail*
D.A.: Then how do you explain the scattered trash?
Dog: *ears droop*
*jury gasps*

@MooseAllain

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

@HatfieldAnne

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

@ValeeGrrl

[at son’s Little League game]

ME: which one’s yours

OTHER MOM: the pitcher. You?

ME: the one performing Lord of the Dance in left field