“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
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Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.