“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
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me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin