“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
You Might Also Like
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN