“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
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Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Mad Max: Furry Road
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice