Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
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God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
love it when they get my name right