“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
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8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Effort made
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie