“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!