@BlindChow

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

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@Mom_Overboard

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

@not_thenanny

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

@LionJenkins

Me: *Wrong Turn
Siri: Recalculating Route
Me: *Wrong Turn
Siri: Recalculating Route
Me: *Wrong Turn
Siri: You’re on your own, Idiot.

@dshack8

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

@gwatts77

If I donate blood and you’re in an unfortunate circumstance of needing it don’t blame me for never being able to pass a drug test again.

@KentWGraham

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

@Tormny_Pickeals

if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive

@FunnyMojoJojo

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…