“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
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Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.