“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
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I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.