@DaddyJew

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

You Might Also Like

@BeckFlatley

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

@funderlaw

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

@heatherjs

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

@GoodZiIIa

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

@brunopieroni

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

@krisv_723

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.