I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
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Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
The movie Look Who’s Talking, but the baby is voiced by Bane.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I wonder if there’s a giant cucumber out there thinking about me too.