“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
You Might Also Like
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
@funTweeters
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration