just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
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There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you