13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
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I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]