Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
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What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
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I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet