Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
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dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Smile they said.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.