@Reverend_Scott

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

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@InternetHippo

JESUS: I am the way, the truth, and the life

ME: This guy is definitely an only child

@RyanSaysWords

The Foo Fighters did a really good job, because I haven’t had to deal with any Foo in years.

@PinkCamoTO

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

@MAB1013

Fair warning….if you talk while I am counting cups of flour for a recipe, I will stab you with the knife I’m using to level them off.

@Brampersandon_

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

@dafloydsta

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

@SteveKoehler22

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h?o?u?r?s? marriages

@TheMichaelRock

Don’t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.