@EndhooS

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

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@AllanForsyth

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

@1Happytwit

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

@WilliamRodgers

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

@vineyille

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

@Darlainky

Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.

@sween

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

@BoomBoomBetty

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

@Holy_Mowgli

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

[date]

W: I’m really into astronomy.
M: Oh! What’s your sign?
W: The one that knows the difference between science & superstitious idiocy.