THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
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Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
GOD: no you’re fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
W: I’m really into astronomy.
M: Oh! What’s your sign?
W: The one that knows the difference between science & superstitious idiocy.