Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
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*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
(2022)
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*