Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
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the council will decide your fate
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth