Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
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Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
as is their right
the three branches of government
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.